I'm very, very downcasted and downhearted. I can't describe my feelings now. My friends they have this divided loyalties. Hmm, i can say the ex-2g spirit is totally gone, and er, now, among ourselves we compete for studies soo much that we become intolerant and insecure towards eachother. What in the blue hell is this about i wonder?!..Is there a need?!. I think its too late....just too late. I feel like going to everyone of them and give a bloody good headbutt like ZIDANE. If only they can just realise this, we had one month and 2 weeks approximately. Its either you treasure this friendship or you just left it in the dark and find a new one. Looking at them really aches my heart... a dissapointment to me especially bacause i myself can't do anything. Tensions are everywhere. Guys i beg you all, lets just do our best in studies and not to compete too much. You guys just ...just.. omg... i might as well give up...
One night, as i stared those empty walls at my bed, i realised. I've forgotten almost all of my primary school friends. Now, its just left me, raymond and Ain. From Kranji primary. I just love every single of them. They know me more in some sense. However, what about those friends of mine in the past? Where are they now? How are they Doing?..liyana,roslinda,fadhli,sharil,shafika,khairul, mathew, yong shen, raynard, adham, haikal, shafiq and many more. I gotta say when i came across them, i might not even recognise them.Even some names were forgotten.I really miss them and i admit it, i am a shame not to treasure them in the past and keep them. Guys i really miss you all.
My love life, hmm, i think its just over. I am a failure and thats it. I am not as strong as i used to be. She was just in front of me. To pursue?...people might think you gotta go for it. Take the chance or you will never get those chances again. I and mg, i think we are just two person who had the same problem in his love life. For me, i decided not to pursue her. I gotta say the pain felt is deep to give up. Everytime, i had this feelings before only to know i've been wasting my time. My best pal ever, ming guang and zhenguang. FOr mg, i gonna help his quest for this no matter what. His a guy that most girl are blind about. His nature are not really known..He's great. I am sure he one day gotta get his wishes. For me, my fighting spirit is not there. Not there....its just dissapear long ago. I'm just soo tired of it. People mught think i'm desperate and needed a girl. Well!, yes i admit it. I need her. i need her to be there. just there. just there for me to see her its just enough. I might be speechless when trying to start a conversations. In my mind, its just wild and adrenalin rush. The sense of anxiety is there. I'm not going to plunge myself into an abyss of depression. No way hosay. Holding on to my dearest life. Noway!. Do the girls ever know and understand how a guy felt?!.For now, i just felt that its not the time... Is it just my wild thoughts or its it the fact that i have to face?. If only she knows....if only she can sense it,...if only she can give me the chance to know her betta,.... if only god gives me the will,.... if only i have the strength and courage,... if only i have the looks thats perfected her taste,... if only i know her feelings and thoughts....it might just be then easier... i prayed to god everyday that she would be safe and happy for her life...Happiness?... its a strong word. How much people in this world that can give you happiness???...
Fasting month is just one day away. As much that i am awaiting for it, i gotta say, i'm afraid that that i might not be able to handle the mental difficulties. Its in the fasting month where everyday you study... you'll just get tired easily. I fitness and health, its just going down. I think during that month, i gotta exercise 30 minutes before the breakfast. ITS GONNA BE HARD AND TORTUROUS! I am ready to do it. Everything that i've done will be paid one day.
Another thing, that day we all went to rochard to shop my times voucher. Brought quite alot of stationaries. Yeah!.. Hmm...wad else huh...meet dorries they all also. Er yah!<, i and zhen actually wanted to buy dinner for evelyn. Yea!, we promised her upon the help she gave us help for rendering in our folios.Since we are not meeting so i and zhen decided to give her and steffi of course!A share money for a thoughts of appreaciation. Only to receive 6 dollars back..hah!. since you all insist its okay then...the 6 dollars will be divided back to me and zhenguang. Still, i hope you guys enjoys the rest of the remaing six dollars. haha. Yinci even said to me why am i have this huge pride to give them those money. Hey!, not only that we are late...anyway its just a lunch nothing much...but there are several reasons acutally. You see people, i actualy has those guilt about my past actions. Once, i like a girl soo much that i even forgotten my friends,...from sec 3 all the way to sec 4..most people will know who,i really regretted it.. and now, those lost times, i just want to recover might not be able to be done...Since its only about 2 months left before our seperations...I just wanna make my friends as happy as possible... It might never be any tomorrow again, for now i just want to cherish them...Its just a treat, with money, its not the right way i know but actually money can never replace anythin i know.Too me i just wanna cover those gaps of TIMES that we had missed, not with money, but as a treat for happiness and a permanet mark as a thanks.You guys might wonder why i treat them so good and the reasons is I never want the same things to happen to me again like i was in primary six. I never want to feel regrets in the future that i should have cherish them.Those people from ex-2g's especially, i really had neglected them during those times...i'm sorry.
I'm very worried in everything that i do in my life now. I felt insecure yet a silent much needed need help.No one will be able to read those thoughts of mine. I'm tired...very tired...
O'levels is coming...
posted by nazri at
6:01 pm
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